Tears fall down again..this week, crying was the only expression that how much i miss you, how much i want all things to back to normal again. I literally cried just by seeing my own wallpaper.
Last night, you confessed all your frustrations. I heard all the broken pieces voice. Again, I feel so bad. Again and again. I’m worst. I keep asking myself, why still I couldn’t give the best?
This question keeps making me feel bad. I tried, everytime. But all things always became late, or i came back home with disappointment that i did like, nothing. I didn’t show enough.
I don’t know when a day passed without thinking of you. I don’t know.
Past? I’ve already left it behind. Since the day I chose you. My past do really hurts you, and me more.
I don’t want to compare you with my past. You’re the best I could ever had. Even I forgot that I’ve once survived struggling to forget everything. I even forgot about my own struggles. Everything was new and full of blossoms, since i have you. I realized that I’m still valuable.
For this more than a year, i admit that I’m not knowing you enough yet, I’m not struggling enough to win your heart, to show how deep I’m in love with you, to make you feel you deserve to be loved just like you love me. I admit them. I also always frustrated with myself. While you give me another chances and time for me to prove everything.
This week my own thoughts were really knocking me down. I stressed that I can’t slow talk with mama ayah about us yet. I cried every night thinking about this, and I remember your upset expression everytime we talk about this. I make you wait for me, another days another years most probably. I’ve been asked everyday from different people this week, when our big day will be. Everyone is waiting, us more. All these things happened because of me. And these kind of thoughts make me feel down n I don’t deserve you, i don’t deserve to be treated like a queen by you, because I’m freaking scared that you’ll stop waiting for me. I admit sometimes i treat you bad because of my own thoughts. I let you mad at me, not trying to fix us, stay silent because i feel I don’t deserve to be treated well. Even this hurts me, i know you feel the pain more. Let me feel the pain just like you.
I swear everything was not because of my past. Hearing that word ‘past ‘ even enough to hurt me. I know I didn’t do enough, but please everything just between you and me. You hv your own past, you know.
I wronged that there were a few days that I checked into your fb, that I found that you were still watching a few videos, that have your past in them. I was hurt that time and I treated you bad the next day. I was hurt when you talked about the same girl a few times. I treated you bad again. I don’t find any strength to say about these to you, because I don’t deserve to say this. You give me love more that I could imagine . That I shouldn’t let negative things in. After all, it was my fault to feel hurt to things that I shouldn’t to. I’m sorry.
It hurts me when I can’t understand you enough. It do really hurt. Speechlessly hurt.