Sentimental

I lost my purse last week. Everything was so sudden and left me speechless. That was my first experience ever in my life that i felt like something heavy knocked me down.

Up until now i still clueless how did it disappear from my bag. That morning in the hospital i remembered that i took out some money from purse but it was still in my bag to donate for my friend to fly back to malaysia, who was just lost his nephew because of criminal case recently. Every malaysian knows this. That was the last time i saw my purse. After that, i couldn’t think how did it lost..either pickpocket or maybe patient whole stole it since i was in the clinic and we were supposed to keep our bags inside examination room. I guess the latter.

There were a lot of money in it since i just withdrew them a day before because i got to pay a lot of things. My bf’s sister is here and i feel i need to spend a little bit more to help her discover and enjoy my place. I realized that i lost my purse when i arrived a restaurant to pay my meal. I called my bf then to tell him and he rushed to help me finding back my purse.

Even until today I’m still lost a word for this. Everyday i wake up from sleep thinking that today someone will return it back to me. I really hope. But I’m still confused why I’m still hoping. I know I won’t get back the money, I already returned athirah’s money since there’s some money of hers inside, I already blocked my bank cards. Things left are my nationality card and driving license that could be easily renewed when i go back to my country soon. Others are some pictures and memories that i want to bring along everyday and everywhere. Luckily and thank god my residency card wasn’t in it. I thought it was but suddenly the morning i supposed to go to police station, i found it inside my passport. Which it saved me from dealing with freaking complicated terribly annoying authorities.

What make my heart heavy are the memories..the purse itself has a sentimental value in my life..i bought it after finishing my 4th year medical school. It’s the witness after my struggles. Its the memory we spent in qatar.. that are what i value the most about the purse.

I’m amazed with myself that I managed to stay a little bit cooler than I used to know myself. I cried for a few seconds when i was telling my bf about this then just a few minutes when i reached home after we tried all around hospital and bus station to find back my purse..

I’m not saying that I truly accept that I won’t get my purse back. Deep in my heart i hope I’ll find it someday. I’m feeling guilty for being sad because i know this is just world that nothing is permanent. No matter how much i love my purse. As some other people are going through worse time and bigger challenges, it made me to keep these feelings inside my heart and i keep trying to ignore and forget it.

I’m becoming more sensitive when i found beggars. I’m saying to myself that I don’t have money too but at the same time I know when we should give more when we feel we have less. Allah will grant me better and more. But both of these feelings made me sad and want to find it back.

After all, I’m really grateful for having my bf all the time by my side. He’s my strongest supporter, he calmed me down, and I’m still strong because i don’t want to hurt him because of my bad mood and i don’t want to make him even worry about me. This incident makes me feel i only have him and it’s enough. Thank you sayang 😭 I’ll stay strong 💪🏻

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The Introverted Extrovert — KCJones

Originally posted on Words of a Little Heart: The kind of person you are, at this breathing moment, is not always how you would have imagined yourself to be. There are still those goals you didn’t achieve, those words you couldn’t say, the chances you couldn’t take and the ideas you couldn’t implement. You tend…

via The Introverted Extrovert — KCJones

Because i know, whatever my choice is, I’ll still being considered bad. Or worst. To stay or even to go. Or to beg you to stay. So choose for yourself, for your own happiness. 

6/11/17 

Whenever i feel exhausted, upset, disappointed, I think of my mom. She’s an epitome for me, seeing her struggles, patience, to fix things, to make everything back to normal and happy (at least in front of us) are beyond people could bear. There were a few times i asked my mom how you could do these, her answer was just ; be patient and Allah will do the rest. Sometimes i said to her that her patience was inappropriate, she should do something extraordinary, so that others will realize that she’s hurt, so that she could find her own true happiness, but she still chose to be patient. I wish i could be like mom. Even being hurt, cheated for hundred times, she still chooses to be patient, to stay loyal. For 28 years. In all circumstances, she chooses to be selfless. Even how bad she’s being treated. She used to be very independent. My grandpa passed away when she was only 6, used to do works as men do, used to live without men around, entered a girl school, married to someone liar, boosy and gives her life whoheartedly. And still stays up until now. No matter what. I don’t want to think bad about my dad, I still hope they’re strong together until death makes us apart, but reality is reality. What my mom have done were all beyond amazing.  No one will understand why she chose to be patient. She doesn’t know what is giving up. 

Happy anniversary mom and dad ❤️

31/10/17 

I keep trying to look at the positive sides, i keep talking to myself to forget about that. I keep telling myself that i need you more than the hurt. 

I’m weak whenever in front you. I melt. I can act like nothing hurt, because everytime i see you, i know that I’m in love with you. 

I’m also weak whenever I’m alone. I trying hard to stay positive. To feel that nothing is a big deal pun. 

When i saw the screen recordings, my heart ached. A little bit. But that’s not the reason why i kept silent. I kept thinking and telling myself that even since before I accepted and ready to be together with you, i already knew that you like such things. You’re just being you. 

I blame my own faults and expectations. Not you. I know you  watch such things and nothing is wrong with those. Erm i admit that I didn’t feel okay because you saved those. A little bit shocked. But not because of you watch. Just be you as before you knew me,  that watch that,I’m okay with that. I don’t want to make you lose yourself when you have me. Just do whatever you’re interested in. I don’t call this is a problem, because the problem is me. Mine is i don’t have any interest in such things. I don’t watch movies, I don’t admire any bands, actors or anything related. Maybe if i have one, i will do the same. So we both we enjoy whom we admire.But I won’t do because im really not like that. Maybe this is an advantage for me, i don’t hv any other boys to adore. I dont feel to compare and I don’t need to do that at all. And sometimes this can be a disadvantage as i may not understand you. Maybe I would feel I’m over expecting. To things that I shouldn’t. And you will feel you cant share whom you admire as i will feel jealous and offended, but at the same time you feel free to share about that with your friends. And I’ll feel i want to be you friend too. 

I knew I already accepted for who you are. And I must. 

For what I’ve seen i just need time to digest. And I’m okay now. Nothing to feel hurt or disappointed. Sometimes i feel I don’t know what to positively think for what you needed to save those. Can’t you just watch without saving those? But most of the time, im okay. Dont need to overthink.