12/11

I miss you….

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Because i know, whatever my choice is, I’ll still being considered bad. Or worst. To stay or even to go. Or to beg you to stay. So choose for yourself, for your own happiness. 

6/11/17 

Whenever i feel exhausted, upset, disappointed, I think of my mom. She’s an epitome for me, seeing her struggles, patience, to fix things, to make everything back to normal and happy (at least in front of us) are beyond people could bear. There were a few times i asked my mom how you could do these, her answer was just ; be patient and Allah will do the rest. Sometimes i said to her that her patience was inappropriate, she should do something extraordinary, so that others will realize that she’s hurt, so that she could find her own true happiness, but she still chose to be patient. I wish i could be like mom. Even being hurt, cheated for hundred times, she still chooses to be patient, to stay loyal. For 28 years. In all circumstances, she chooses to be selfless. Even how bad she’s being treated. She used to be very independent. My grandpa passed away when she was only 6, used to do works as men do, used to live without men around, entered a girl school, married to someone liar, boosy and gives her life whoheartedly. And still stays up until now. No matter what. I don’t want to think bad about my dad, I still hope they’re strong together until death makes us apart, but reality is reality. What my mom have done were all beyond amazing.  No one will understand why she chose to be patient. She doesn’t know what is giving up. 

Happy anniversary mom and dad ❤️

31/10/17 

I keep trying to look at the positive sides, i keep talking to myself to forget about that. I keep telling myself that i need you more than the hurt. 

I’m weak whenever in front you. I melt. I can act like nothing hurt, because everytime i see you, i know that I’m in love with you. 

I’m also weak whenever I’m alone. I trying hard to stay positive. To feel that nothing is a big deal pun. 

When i saw the screen recordings, my heart ached. A little bit. But that’s not the reason why i kept silent. I kept thinking and telling myself that even since before I accepted and ready to be together with you, i already knew that you like such things. You’re just being you. 

I blame my own faults and expectations. Not you. I know you  watch such things and nothing is wrong with those. Erm i admit that I didn’t feel okay because you saved those. A little bit shocked. But not because of you watch. Just be you as before you knew me,  that watch that,I’m okay with that. I don’t want to make you lose yourself when you have me. Just do whatever you’re interested in. I don’t call this is a problem, because the problem is me. Mine is i don’t have any interest in such things. I don’t watch movies, I don’t admire any bands, actors or anything related. Maybe if i have one, i will do the same. So we both we enjoy whom we admire.But I won’t do because im really not like that. Maybe this is an advantage for me, i don’t hv any other boys to adore. I dont feel to compare and I don’t need to do that at all. And sometimes this can be a disadvantage as i may not understand you. Maybe I would feel I’m over expecting. To things that I shouldn’t. And you will feel you cant share whom you admire as i will feel jealous and offended, but at the same time you feel free to share about that with your friends. And I’ll feel i want to be you friend too. 

I knew I already accepted for who you are. And I must. 

For what I’ve seen i just need time to digest. And I’m okay now. Nothing to feel hurt or disappointed. Sometimes i feel I don’t know what to positively think for what you needed to save those. Can’t you just watch without saving those? But most of the time, im okay. Dont need to overthink. 

14/10 

Two more months to reach our two years of relationship. Time flies. We still haven’t married yet. But I’m still beyond blessed for having you around. For having you in whatever conditions. Things surely weren’t same as the first day we confessed ‘let’s sail this ship together and forever’ but the love keeps blooming as we’re sailing this. 

Time may change people. Got a news that there’s one couple ended their relationship, makes me scared, really scared. 

I don’t want to lose you. 

Don’t know what the future holds for us. But deep inside I hope i can be your forever.